the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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