eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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