My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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