I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize