I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
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Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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