I'm so fucking centered right now
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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