Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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