two words: eviction party
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Terrible idea I love it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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