I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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