In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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