i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
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Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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