I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
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I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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