Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
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I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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