how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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