Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
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all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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