If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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