im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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