So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
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You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
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He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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