dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
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the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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