Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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