babies were throwing up all over the place
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
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Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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