i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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