Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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