while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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