I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
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you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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