How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
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My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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