You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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