I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wear drunk well.
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