I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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