so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize