at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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