If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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