He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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