How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
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just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
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Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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