Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
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I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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