there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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