you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
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New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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