i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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