omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize