I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
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He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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