I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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