the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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