Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have aggressive nipples.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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