i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
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I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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