so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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