Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize