this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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