That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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