Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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