Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
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I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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